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My first, and last, online dating experience.
Alright! I gave it a try. Because I’m 25, single, and why-the-fuck-not? Some of my close girlfriends told me it was worth a shot, and that they even met some really great guys.
So, I did it. I made a profile a few months back on OKCupid. I was warned that OKCupid was not the BEST dating site to try out, but seeing as it was my first time, figured it was a start somewhere.
Only a couple of hours in and I had been flooded with messages and all these other notifications. Talk about a confidence boost!
Now, I’m not trying to sound like a snob, but at least half of those notifications came from dudes missing a tooth, drastically over-weight, or what appeared to me as “thugs”—And I am not about the thug-life. Sorry!
I don’t really know if I have a “type” but I do know what I am attracted to, and there wasn’t much there.
However, there was one guy that stuck out. “D” had reached out to me and sent me a rather funny message. I’m huge into personality and like a guy that can keep up with my humor, so he seemed fun.
We messaged back and forth for about a week. “D” seemed to be, dare I say, normal? We exchanged emails… then later phone numbers. I had no idea if I was doing this right. I mean, this was a complete stranger! So after a little bit of time, I finally agreed to a date.
I convinced one of my best friends to come with me. She agreed to be at the bar right next door. We even set up a texting code in case I needed her to rescue me. Can you tell I was nervous?
I met “D” at the bar. Christ. Meeting a stranger is nerve-wrecking. He did look like his pictures, which was a good thing. But he was a lot shorter than he claimed. Which again, I’m not shallow and it didn’t matter.
He was polite, and funny. We had some fun conversations—getting to know each other…etc. The date was actually going pretty well.
He seemed a little jittery. I pushed it off as nerves. But then he kept going to the bathroom and telling me how hot the bartender was, so I was getting the feeling it may be time to leave.
I texted my gf letting her know that it was about that time.
“D” walked me to my car, even though I said he didn’t have to, he was pretty persistent. And I later found out why, with an awful rape-kiss that was sooo uncalled for and sudden. WOOF.
I’m not even home yet, and he’s blowing up my phone with texts. Okay, sure. Maybe he was just excited. But still!
The next day was filled with all sorts of “flattering” texts. He “couldn’t believe there was someone out there aside from his ex,” or “how lucky he was to have found me.”
I was getting a tad nervous. We hung out for maybe two hours, and he was acting like we’ve been dating for months.
That following Friday night “D” called me. Not once, twice, or even three times. But four. And shit, if I didn’t pick up that fourth time I’m sure it would have been more.
He sounded drunk. Hyper even.
D: “I’m in the neighborhood, what are you doing?!”
Me: “You’re in my neighborhood? What?”
D: “Ya! I’m at a house party! Let’s hang out, I’m so close.”
This continued for an HOUR. He was getting really sad, actually started to make me feel really bad. I called my gf and told her the deal. You know, just in case I get cut up into tiny pieces and thrown in a garbage bag and never be seen again.
I made a really stupid decision. And I blame the wine I was sipping that night, but I said he could stop by. IDIOT.
Seemingly out of nowhere he’s at my door. He did not drive. I did not see a car pull away, or a cab for that matter. It was SKETCHY.
I was slightly paranoid and made sure I was updating my gf with texts.
So he walks in, stumbling actually.
“You’re beautiful,” he mutters. He smells like booze.
I get him to sit on my couch and I turn on the T.V.
After about, let’s say, 3 minutes he gets up fast and looks over to me.
D: “WOAH! How did I get here?”
Me: “Are you fucking serious?”
D: “No, I know I’m here. But how did I get here?”
What. The. Fuck.
Me: “How am I supposed to know? And how drunk are you?”
D: “I’m not even drunk.”
Me: “Well, clearly you’re on something, and I think you should go.”
D: “I need to admit something.”
Me: “Ah fuck, what?”
D: “I’m not really 27, I’m 31.”
Me: “Okay? Ya, you’re definitely on something, and I think you should call a cab.”
He gets on his phone and calls the cab company. He is yelling sooo loud and being a complete asshole to the person on the phone.
Seemed like an eternity, but finally the cab came. He gets up from my couch and starts to head for the door.
D: “Don’t even try to contact me again,” he demands.
Me: “No problem.”
He leaves. I burst into laughter, because honestly, what the fuck is my life?
Not even five-fucking-minutes later and he is blowing up my phone. Calling me over, and over, and over. Leaving voicemails even. I never did answer or reply. I went to bed, and prayed I’d wake up and that the whole experience was just a nightmare.
This continued even into Saturday night. My GOD, he was not giving up. Apologizing to me that he “didn’t remember anything” and that he regrets how he acted. I asked him kindly to stop, to take me out of his phone, and go our separate ways.
But no. He was so persistent that I was ‘the one’!
Finally I lost it. It may have been the 28th phone call. I picked up and completely lost my cool. I had no choice, it was getting ridiculous!! He was even threatening to come back to my house. It was not OK.
He promised it would be the last time I’d hear from him.
Turns out, he’s a really great liar.
Sunday morning I wake up; start my usual routine when suddenly…
Ding-dong! My door bell rings.
My heart sinks into my stomach…. No, no, no, no… It can’t be.
I peek out the door’s peep-hole. All I see is a 1-800-FLOWERS truck.
“Ahhh, what the fuck…” I mutter to myself.
The sonofabitch sent me a huge bouquet of flowers. I mean, I was RELIEVED it wasn’t him, but REALLY?!?
The card read (and I quote): “I’m sorry for being an IDIOT! I think we both really get along. I’m really sad and wanna see you again. I’m not used to being single. I think you’re cool. Please forgive me! -D”
…”I’m not use to being single.” …YA THINK!?
I immediately texted him and said that this needs to stop. I was beyond sketched-out, angry, and uncomfortable about the whole situation.
He said he understood. A couple of days later there was an email from him begging me to reconsider. This guy was NUTS. Like, give it a rest already?
Needless to say, I deactivated my account to OKCupid. I don’t blame OKCupid, but I was all set with dating sites. It was worth a shot, and I am all about taking chances, but, I had enough.
A month or so later, I received another text from “D”. He asked me out on another date.
I blocked his number.
Never again, my friends, never again.
Well, not like quiet-afraid of people-shy, but emotionally-shy.
Basically as I am learning more and more about myself every day, I am learning that I fear my own feelings.
I’m afraid to feel anything, for anyone. This may sound cold and a tad detached. But it’s true.
I am a very personable human being. That has always been something I pride myself with.
But, when it comes to showing or expressing how I feel, I am mute.
I am SO afraid of rejection at this point that any type of feelings I may have for someone gets shunned before I even have the chance to think of their name.
I have a lot of love around me. I have an amazing family and some pretty fantastic friends.
When it comes to the nitty gritty of compassion, I am like a lost puppy. I am so worried about getting hurt that I have let opportunities get away from me.
I have been single for a couple of years now. Don’t get me wrong, I have been enjoying these years to its full advantage. However, as strong and independent as I may be, I have caved. Calling up an ex, leading people on I know I have no interest in being with, joining a dating site… Why? Because it gets lonely. Real lonely. Even longing to lay next to someone, just for the company.
I guess the only thing that has been holding me back is me. Well, that and the shitty people I have dated in my past that has crippled any hope I had for love. But, I made a promise to myself to not let my past become part of my present, or future. Perhaps that promise is so strong that it has shut out any new potential people all together.
Not to get all sappy, but I want the “dream” relationship. It may not exist, but I crave something real and meaningful.
I just want to find someone that actually gives a damn… about me.
I don’t always need to be first, but for a change in my life, I would love it if someone put me before them; And not because they feel like they have to, but because they want to.
I don’t want the fancy dinners, the flashy jewelry, or beautiful flowers (these are all wonderful, of course).
But I do want your time. I want your word. I want your honesty. I want your respect.
And for some reason, I feel like that’s asking for too much.
Do you remember the very first time you heard, or said, those three words?
Years ago, I heard those three words for the first time in my life. Being a young girl, I wasn’t sure what to expect. However, I do remember exactly when, where, and who I was with.
A girl never forgets a first time.
I strongly believe that every young woman growing up anticipates the first time they hear those words; those three magical words that truly leave our mouths open, and vulnerable.
Ah yes, it was summer time, and my summer fling and I were seeing more, and more of each other. Of course, this is before we could drive so lots of PG dates. But boy-oh-boy did I really, really like him.
One particular night, we had a movie date at his house. Movie date = not really watching a movie. He grabbed my face and held it in his hands while he kissed me. He was soft and gentle as he gazed into my eyes. We were young, but he seemed to know what he was doing.
He pulled back and stared into my eyes.
I took a deep breath. My heart was beating so fast. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach really pick up. I knew what was next to come.
And then, it happened…
Him: “I…,” he started to whisper.
…Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit; I thought. This was IT!
Him: “…Suck my dick?”
Me: “…Um, what?!”
Him: “Uh, suck my dick?”
Me: “What the fuck,” I took a long awkward pause, “No.”
Me: “What? No… I thought…” My voice trailed off.
Great moment gone.
He might as well have told me he farted. I mean, I made the same face as if he did anyway.
Him: “…You thought what? Relax, I’m playing with you.”
Me: “I’m not sucking your dick,” I stood up fast and headed towards the door.
If there is anything that I learned from this experience it is—-Love sucks.
Holy shit. Where has this past year gone?
Shall I update you? Should I include a ton of excuses for why I haven’t written in a while?
Well, for starters…
I left my previous job. My boss was Satan, I HAD to. That alone was the best decision I made in the past year. No one should come into work with anxiety every day. Or made to feel like shit.
But that’s a story for another day…
Secondly, I moved!
Aside from college, this is the first time I am on my own. My first taste of being a real “adult”. Gotta love it; Spending money I don’t have, eating Ramen noodles every night, not buying lunch so you can pay for booze…You know, real adult-like shit!
I got a new Job!
…And I actually like it! Sure, it’s not the dream job I envision for myself. But, it is a wonderful company to work for and I happen to be working with some of my best friends. So things are great on the work-front.
Let’s see… What else…
Welcomed a new member to my family (my nephew James), made some new friends and lost some friends, and rekindled past friendships…
Essentially, it has been a roller-coaster of a year. Trying to “find myself” or trying to figure out my life in general has been my biggest obstacle. I mean, I really mentally beat myself up over this shit.
I sunk into a deep depression this summer. I dont know what the fuck happened. Some days, I didn’t even leave my bed. Complete sulking.
Have I hit my “quarter life crisis”?
Needless to say… I have missed you, I have missed writing, I have missed this.
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